ambivalence

well the last day of school is tomorrow, and the post title is pretty self-explanatory.
ahhh, who are we kidding, i'm totally psyched to finally be out of the hell that was freshman year.
anyway, onto more important things.
the 25th was me and my lovely girlfriend's one year anniversary, and guess what? we didn't even get to see each other the entire weekend ohoho!
but i did get us matching rings. mine says holmes, hers says watson, in tribute to sherlock holmes, obviously, which we both love with a passion.

courtesy of the seller on etsy

the seniors graduated on tuesday, and i attended the ceremony. i didn't cry, actually. i cried on the last day of journalism last week, though, because it was the last day with the seniors, obviously. and it's so strange to think that i have grown so close to people that i knew and will only have known for a year. but we spent every morning together, making memories, ranting angrily about feminism, laughing together, crying together. and i love them so much. i think i liked them so much because they were a change from the intellectually void freshman class. and because they were practically adults, who actually took me seriously, and accepted my opinions and thoughts as legitimate, unlike everyone else who dismisses my opinion as irrelevant simply because of my age. i will miss them, so much, though i feel like i love them more than they love me. but that's nothing new.

today was also my last day of theatre, which means a lot to me as well. i have a group of friends in there. we all have pretty sucky life stories and we all would come together every other day this semester and it was one of my favorite classes. we were all recovering self-harmers, and it felt so wonderful to have the love and support of other girls who knew what i was going through. my girlfriend is wonderful, don't be mistaken, but she just doesn't understand the intricacies of self-harm. one of them, the one that i would say i'm closest to, is moving away across the country to pennsylvania because a. it's too expensive for her and her mom to live here and b. they need to get away from her abusive father, which makes me incredibly sad. i know that being away from her dad will definitely be better for her, but she doesn't want to leave. she's terrible at making friends, and i feel like she'll be miserable there, and i'm afraid she'll relapse. on tuesday, she sat me down in theatre and gave me a long talk, looking straight at me, about how i'm one of the best friends and the best people she knows, and how i'm a better friend than the people she's been friends with for years, and that i'm a really great listener, and that it's great how i actually care, and a lot more and i teared up and i hugged her tight and oh god i will miss her so much and i will worry about her so much. 

autophobiia really is the best name for this blog. scroll back up and read the description and you'll see why. anyway it's late and this post sucks and i think i'm just sad and okay good night